Day 111 (week 23): Creep

I learned today the extremes of seriousness with which a barrister can take both himself and the simplest case imaginable. Off to court with a junior member of Chambers who I shall call Creep. Despite the fact that he has only been a barrister for three years he carries himself as if he is a member of the House of Lords. I’ve heard him around Chambers approaching QCs and asking them their thoughts on the latest ruling on a particular aspect of public policy. As if everyone goes round reading the law reports each day. He’ll amble up and mention a quote from a dissenting judgment as if it’s an in-joke, chuckle to himself and stand there fawning to whoever he is targeting that day. He’s desperate to be picked as a junior by one of these big beasts, to get a plum case where he can beaver away in the library and spend several months creeping up to the same person. What he doesn’t appear to realise is that he’s treated as a joke around chambers. No-one wants someone so irritating to be hanging around them everyday and so no junior brief for him. Worse, the clerks can’t stand his jumped up airs and graces and go out of their way to put him in his place with tiny cases in grotty, far-flung courts.

Today, we were in Swindon on a case management conference for a personal injury matter worth all of around £3,000. However, you’d never have guessed it if you overheard him speaking to his solicitor.
“I’ve been perusing the papers and my opinion is that there are a number of important issues which this case raises…”

No there aren’t. The Claimant has offered £3,500. The Defendant £2,500. The case will settle for £3,000. Nevertheless, Creep spent a full half an hour introducing the case to the District Judge despite the fact he didn’t even have an opponent. Eventually he was interrupted with,
“I’m sorry Mr Creep, but correct me if I’m wrong. All we have to do today, is set a trial date?”
“Well, technically Sir that is correct. However…”
“However, Mr Creep, this hearing was listed for five minutes and it has already gone on thirty. Are you ready for trial?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Good. List for the first open date after 1st April. Costs in the case. Good morning Mr Creep.”


Anonymous said...

Wow, you are very witty! R u good looking too? I imagine Rowan Atkinson type.

Anonymous said...

i agree. this is v v funny and i don't even do law

Anonymous said...

lynne bastow looks like the doorn from eastenders don't she..

zanzibar said...

I reckon this should be turned into a TV series... I vote the chap from Hotel Babylon and Bodies should play you...

Anonymous said...

You should do a spot of marshalling for a High Court Judge: pin-stripe trousers, tailcoat, white gloves; sheriffs in stockings wearing swords in court ... That would provide plenty of scope for one with a suitably Machiavellian sense of humour.

Anonymous said...

Lynne Bastow ! Thanks for confirming that certain women are in thrall to witty good lookers.

Havent you got any sense of irony? Any sense of being a weak minded female?

What a larf.

Smartie said...

lol @ Mr Creep and House of Lords comment ;)

Anonymous said...

it's terrible they compare you to Harry Mount. He is the most vapid, snobby, self important social climber I have ever had the misfortune to meet. You have talent and I'm sure you got there on your own merits, not because of your Dad or because your girlfriend's parents are Lord and Lady whatever.